Overhelping: When Loving Too Much Gets in the Way

by Faustina Tan

It starts with love.

We button their shirt. Carry their bag. Tie their shoes. Cut their food. Because we’re tired, rushing, or we just want to help.

But here’s the gentle truth:
Every time we do something for our child that they could have attempted themselves, we rob them of a small, golden opportunity to grow.

The Problem with Overhelping

Overhelping is sneaky. It wears a smile. It whispers, “I’ll make it easier for you.” But over time, it can chip away at a child’s sense of agency.

Children who are constantly helped may:

  • Doubt their ability to figure things out

  • Look for adults to solve every challenge

  • Struggle with decision-making

  • Experience lower resilience when things go wrong

Why We Do It (No Shame Here)

Let’s be honest — overhelping comes from a place of love, survival, and sometimes... exhaustion.

We help because:

  • We want things done quickly or correctly

  • We hate to see them struggle

  • We don’t want to deal with a meltdown

  • We believe “It’s just faster if I do it”

You’re not a bad parent for overhelping. You’re a human one.

What We Can Do Differently

Small changes make big ripples. You don’t need a total parenting overhaul — just a few pauses in the right places.

Try this:

  • Let them try first. Even if they fumble or ask for help after.

  • Tolerate the struggle. It’s okay if it takes longer.

  • Praise the process, not the result. “You worked really hard to zip that up yourself!”

  • Use emotion tools. A calm-down corner, emotion cards, or deep breathing posters help them regulate after the challenge.

Final Thoughts

You can support your child without doing everything for them.


The next time you’re tempted to step in, pause. Breathe. And ask, “Can they try this on their own?”


Letting go just a little… might help them rise a lot.

Explore tools that support your child’s independence → here

 

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